In many households certain rules apply that may remain unspoken but entirely understood. Many of these rules will fall into the category of social norms and behaviours – for example politeness and respect. There can also be those rules that exist on a level beneath the awareness of the members of the household, but which govern each individual’s behaviours long into the future. These rules may be things like “in our house anger isn’t allowed” or “to cry is to show weakness”.
Without awareness and questioning of these rules they may become self-limiting beliefs. This means that adherence to the rules may restrict behaviour. On an extreme level it may cause an individual to feel that “if I do not follow the rules I will not be loved”.
This sounds like an extreme reaction. Yet this is what shows up in therapy time and time again.
How can a person be expected to validate feelings of anger if they grew up in a house where anger wasn’t allowed? Perhaps a person living in the shadow of “to cry is to show weakness” now finds themselves unable to connect emotionally or to hold onto intimate relationships. The rules we apply without question can have a profound impact on our emotional intelligence and development.
If you are unsure of how to identify your rules look for definitive language statements such as “in our house we never…” , “I couldn’t ever…” or “you always must…”.
Identify. Explore. Question. Understand.