Grief is often linked to death, but it comes in many shapes. You can grieve the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or even the life you thought you’d have. Grief isn’t confined to one type of loss. It’s complex and deeply personal, and it can sneak up on you even when you least expect it.
Too often, people feel pressure to grieve in a certain way or on a certain timeline. “Aren’t you over that yet?” or “You should be feeling better by now”—these are phrases I hear people say, or worse, they hear them from others. But here’s the thing: there’s no standard timetable for grief.
You might feel numb for a long time, and that’s okay. You might feel angry, sad, or guilty. You might feel all of it, or none of it, and that’s okay too. It’s all part of the process, and it’s yours to move through in your own time. The heart doesn’t heal on a schedule.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your grief to someone else’s. Maybe you think you should be coping better because someone else seems to have ‘moved on’ faster. But comparing only adds unnecessary pressure. No one experiences loss in the same way, and there’s no gold star for getting through it the fastest.
Many people talk about the stages of grief, and while that model can be useful, grief is rarely that neat and tidy. I often describe it as waves instead. Some days the waves are gentle and manageable, and other days they’ll knock you off your feet. It’s unpredictable. But over time, you learn to swim through the storm. Some waves will always be bigger than others, but you’ll get better at navigating them.
The most important thing I tell people is to honour whatever feelings come up. It’s okay to cry, to feel lost, to be angry, or to feel relief. There’s no wrong emotion when it comes to grief. You’ve experienced a loss, and that loss deserves to be acknowledged.
At the same time, don’t be surprised if joy creeps back in. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting or dishonouring your loss. It just means you’re human. Grief and happiness can coexist. Allow yourself the grace to feel it all, because all of it is valid.
Grief can be an isolating experience, especially if you feel like no one understands what you’re going through. This is where reaching out can help. Whether it’s talking to a friend, joining a support group, or seeking professional counselling, you don’t have to carry the weight alone. Sometimes, simply saying out loud how you’re feeling can lighten the load, even if just a little.
One of the most important messages I can offer is this: healing isn’t a race. You’re allowed to grieve as long as you need. Don’t rush to meet someone else’s expectations, and don’t expect yourself to be ‘done’ with grief by a certain time.
Take things day by day. You’ll learn to live with your loss, but that doesn’t mean the pain disappears overnight. Over time, the sharp edges will soften, but there’s no deadline for when that happens. It’s a journey, not a destination.
Email: helenakoleary@gmail.com or Whatsapp 089 2243437 to book a counselling session